Dear Mary-Kate and Ashley,
Loved your work on Full House and Billboard Dad!
I owned your greatest hits CD far after it was socially acceptable for me to listen to your greatest hits, and let me tell you, it’s the greatest shame of the 21st century that “Brother for Sale” didn’t soar on the charts.
New York Minute wasn’t your finest moment, but don’t worry, we’ve all forgotten it.
I’m writing today because I have a bone to pick with you.
You see, every American girl in my generation (except for the few weirdos who probably didn’t even have a furby) grew up with your educational travel videos.
I mean, Passport to Paris?
Hello, boys on a moped, welcome to the new American dream.
And Getting There?
We’re still not quite sure how you managed to go on an unsupervised road trip at 16 when I wasn’t even allowed to drive to Target by myself, but please tell us your secrets.
Anyways, my personal favorite has always been Winning London, and I finally got the chance to move to London a few years ago after seeing what a wonderful time you had.
Of course, I braced myself for disappointment because nothing could ever be as great as exploring the world with you two, but I thought, what the heck, let’s go.
Mary-Kate and Ashley, do you realize what high expectations you gave me?
Do you even know how much my world came crumbling down when I landed and realized so many lies you fed me over the years?
Did I ever even mean anything to you?
I BOUGHT YOUR CD, you guys.
I WAS LIKE 15 YEARS OLD AND I BOUGHT YOUR CD AND ONLY TOLD MY BEST FRIEND BECAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED EVERYONE ELSE WOULD SHUN ME.
I RISKED MY MIDDLE SCHOOL REPUTATION FOR YOU AND YOU TRICKED ME.
Over the years, I’ve slowly come to terms with this betrayal. I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost. I’ve grown up, and so have you. We’re all doing well. But today, I would like to address this once and for all.
I need answers.
Firstly, why did you tell me I could get up close to a guard at the Palace?
I am 100% convinced that you are singlehandedly responsible for making us all believe you can access the guards at Buckingham Palace.
You just waltzed on up to him with your cutesy jokes and snapped some pictures like it was no big deal.
Joke’s on me, because the guards are behind bars and are definitely not accessible to mere mortals.
I am HIGHLY DISAPPOINTED.
Secondly, why is there an Australian playing an English boy?
Jesse Spencer is a great actor. Did you see him on House? How awesome, right? So good of him to find work in America after his time in London with you.
But I’m just a little confused because Jesse is Australian, and you saying he’s British over and over can’t convince me he’s from anywhere but down under.
Was there not an English boy available for you to hang out with? I know a few Australians here and was really expecting them to do a fake British accent. This is all very confusing. Please write back.
In one scene, you and your friends hop on a double decker bus from the back (?!) and walk right up those stairs without ever checking in with the bus driver. Do you have an Oyster card that works from meters away? Do you know the bus driver?
If I walked on a London bus without paying, I would be walking right back off 20 seconds later after being shouted (or harshly stared) at. Help me out here.
Fourthly, how were you able to understand Cockney rhyming slang?
I still have trouble even understanding people from northern England and their affectionate use of the word “duck.”
How in the world were you able to speak Cockney rhyming slang like you’d learned it your whole life?
Do they have a Rosetta Stone course for that? Did you take it as a second language in high school?
I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time with Spanish.
Lastly, how were you able to get a member of the royal family to fall in love with you?
I have a lot of American friends who are pretty much dying to know. Doesn’t need to be a Prince, I’m sure they’ll settle for a second cousin.
Can’t wait to hear from you.
A generation of American girls